MIA

So I've been MIA the last couple of days.  I've had a couple of really bad days.  In fact Saturday I had the worst panic attack I've had in months.  Full-on tears, shaking, rocking, hiding THE WORKS!  And what brought it on (or rather tipped me over the edge)......my niece's 3rd Bday party.

So I came home after 15 minutes at the party, crying and freaking out (I'd even taken an anti-anxiety med before the party).  Sobbed, rocked etc.  Freaked poor Ollie out (he doesn't like mummy crying) and did some serious suicide planning.

What stopped me this time were two things 1. No sleeping pills at home and too scared to leave the house to pick up repeat script at chemist!  2. Lots of work to get ready for church the following day.

I ended up getting to church at 6.30am to set up and finish all my jobs in the hopes of not seeing too many people.  No such luck.  But I did manage to get out without 'freaking out' too badly.  Came home and literally slept for the rest of the day and night.

So I apologise that I missed my two days of positives - will make up for in in a triple wammy today.

I have booked myself a weekend at my favourite place to reflect - Piha.  www.piha.co.nz

I took this picture a couple of years ago at North Piha where Ollie and I hangout a lot.

My therapist had suggest some retreat time so this will allow me to do some reading, reflecting, I'll take out some art stuff and do some creating and some journalling.

I want to get moving and put some steps in place - actually look back at the steps that I had put in place a few months ago - started on and then fell off.

So yay for Piha and yay for me and Ollie having a whole weekend just for us at our favourite place.

This weekend I booked myself in for a one day retreat about the book of Job.  I figured if Job's life was so SUCK and my life is feeling so SUCK then maybe this retreat will help me find some light in my dark just like he did.  We'll see.  Its at the other end of Auckland so it will be an adventure getting there anyway.

Today was productive spiritually in that way, I even managed to track down an old family friend who was the Nun that took Mum and Dad through my baptism prep when I was a baby and my First Holy Communion prep when I was older.  She was a bit of  shining light in my spiritual walk as a child, and even now (she lived an awesome adventurous life for a Nun!), and I'd been wanting to see her again for years.  We caught up briefly at my grandmother's funeral a couple of years ago and today I just took the initiative of being by the phone at church and rang round the diocese and tracked her down!

We're having afternoon tea next week.  I'm looking forward to connecting and asking her about her life (now I'm a grown up).  I've always wanted to ask her about her calling etc, maybe it will inspire me.

I'm thinking also of asking my dear friend to be a spiritual mentor for me when she moves back to Auckland in a month.  She's already a life mentor but I'm wondering about doing some serious spiritual direction with her - or at the very least meeting to pray.  She's someone I love and trust and I trust that she hears from the Lord so will appreciate who insight.

Feeling good after putting some positives in motion today.  But getting wound up by yet ANOTHER mouse making its home in my bedroom!!!!  Ollie and I killed two yesterday so this is really pissing me off.  I get upset, frustrated and tense and its all just cos I'm not in control - I know this.  I try to be patient and set the traps etc - but I hate that I can't MAKE them go in them!

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGG  more mouse poo to clean up!  Oh and I even got some quotes for skip hire today to get on to cleaning out my house.  I'll do it on my own if i have to.

Hey this is sounding like a good positive posting - Yay!  Thats a good change.

Hmmm a small glimmer of light......