Positive (or perhaps trying to find some light in this black)

This afternoon I wrote a list of things I'd like to do with this blog and one of those was to lighten the mood of it some what.

If what I want is to share this forum with the world (which after all was the purpose for starting it - wasn't it?) and especially if I want it to be seen by those close to me (a scarier prospect than walking naked down Queen St at the present moment!) then I need to show not just the darkness of the black I'm in.

I do have my light moments.  My laughter and joy in the midst of the black.  I wouldn't call them 'a light at the end of the tunnel' light but they are joy moments in my day.  I also have the things I cling to; things that inspire me; things I'm grateful for; things and people I love without end.  So I will endeavour to share some of them here too - daily being my challenge to myself today.

I have always been more creative in my blacks (the tortured artist no doubt) and so find writing the sadness and depression is easier than the joy and light.  Perhaps because I never believe that the joy will last or that I am worthy of the good things that come my way.  I know that I have a deep set belief that nothing good will stay with me, so I have built walls to not get too used to having 'good stuff' because I only end up being hurt/disappointed/destroyed when it goes/ends/leaves.

SO.........here is my challenge to Me:  Ivana each day you will post something that inspires you OR brings you joy OR you are grateful for OR a moment OR a memory OR a person OR an anything that is positive and affirming.

Each day (I will try). 

Within the challenge I will still allow myself the space and place to write the dark and the black and the depth and to share.  But for my sake and lets be honest for the sanity of anyone who may ever read this; I WILL post some light. 

See I even wrote in yellow today to begin this challenge.

So here goes;
DAY ONE:  I am grateful for/inspired to live for/in love with/besotted with/don't know where I would be without/am blessed by God abundantly and powerfully by............my baby, my fur-kid, my four-legged child......My Ollie.

This is Ollie the day after he came home.....10 weeks old and a ball of lovely fluff!

Oliver Jacob Behrent came to live with me on the 16th of December 2006.  He is my gift from God.  I waited so long for a puppy.  I had missed out on a couple of other dogs I'd wanted.  Originally wanting a girl Bichon and then along came this boy poodle.....my precious gift from God.

I will explain his name another day (that is a posting all by itself!).

Last year when the black had got so bad, and unknown to me, my meds had stopped working, the ONLY thing that stopped me from 'leaving' (read death) was my wee man.

He is my reason for getting up most days (he'll want to go for a wee!).  But brings me so much joy and unconditional love its beyond belief.  I know that some people don't understand how you can love an animal like he is my own 'child/flesh and blood' but I do.  He is my reason when the world is so black i can't see through.  And he loves me no matter what I do or say or am.

He is so much fun.  I love the joy he gets from the simple words of "Lets go to the beach" or just the word "biscuit"!!  I love that he brings so much joy to people at work and the kids at church and when we would go to visit Baba in the rest home he'd have to do a visit of everyone else on the ward.

I love that he has a special gift with little people that he is patient with babies and children who are scared of dogs.  I am so proud of him when I see him interact with kids (and adults) with special needs or illnesses and he blesses them and brings light into their eyes.  He is indeed a blessing from God - a Kiss from Heaven (I'll explain that another day too).

I love you my baby boy xxxxxxx