Friday, June 17, 2011

Today

Today I told myself I was going to have a positive day.  A day where I was organised and efficient and finish the day 'well'.

It started good.  Had a great, although short, time at the Mt Atkinson coffee cart Birthday Party ( http://www.mtatkinson.co.nz/ )  Ollie looked super cute dressed up westie for the competition.

I ended up having to cancel my therapist appointment for the second week running which I wasn't happy about - but I got stuck being the only person onsite at Church with keys to let the alarm guys in and out of the office (lucky they are such neat guys and I'm enjoying their company - even had a couple of chances to tell them about God today - THEY asked!!! ).

Yesterday I left work with the HEAVY weight of blackness over me and not coping with life at all.  I skipped my art therapy class just to give myself some time out from people.

I was doing okay......had a good lunch with my friend Jean which was nice....BUT then from somewhere it snuck up on me and I was lost under the black weight again.

I realised last night the emptiness and feeling lost is coming a lot from not having achieved any of the goals I set myself a few months ago - chiefly that I would have started back on a career path.

I found a great career advisor who has worked with people like myself - coming out of long term illness, depression and wanting to take things in easy steps.  She talked to me about seeing a long term relationship, working towards goals of setting my business up again and doing it all at a pace I could handle and with great support and encouragement.  To top it all off I just got a great 'vibe' from her and the company.

But thanks to my current financial 'lackings' and debts AND my usual getting lost in other people's needs and losing my confidence - I haven't got my act together to make the next move with this.

I'm finding that I'm getting very angry and resentful towards those around me and specifically the work I'm doing at church (for no pay).  Why?  I love working around church, making my contribution and knowing that its for the 'Big Picture'.  But its meaning I don't have time for me, to make my life move ahead and to make changes that will move me on.

So time to 'man up'.  Next week try and get out from under the black.  Shake the self-pity (or at least IGNORE it).  Work on getting the funds together for the careers advisor/coach and to pay for the skip to dump the junk in my house and pay to get the repairs done that need doing.

I WANT to make it work next week - I want to achieve some goals.  I have some ideas.  I have them written down.  Now I need the motivation to make them work.

I've got therapy Wednesday and Friday next week.  We had a bit of a phone session today and she is going to keep me accountable.  I SO want to move MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!!

Tomorrow I'm off to a craft fair with one of my 'crafty' friends.  Hopefully to be inspired and not jealous.  Hopefully inspired to clear the shit from my house so i can have the space to create again and then SELL some of my stuff.

I just want to MOVE.


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