Monday, July 4, 2011

Wow - I've impressed myself!

So I've been doing my Positivity Challenge for 20 days now!  Not much for some people but I'm fairly impressed with myself (if I do say so myself!).  Its not often I stick with something so well....other than bad stuff really.

I'm quite enjoying it - and today is the first day I've been a bit stuck and thats just cos I've got a couple of 'bigger' things I want to spend time on writing and don't have the time and mind space today.

So how bout my positive being that I am happy that I have stuck to my positive challenge to myself.  I'm struggling with setting myself goals and not achieving them - so this one is a bigger achievement than I'm giving myself credit for actually.

My next goal is to sort my house out.  My therapist has been trying to get a Community Support Worker assigned to help me with this.  Someone not so much to do the cleaning etc but to SUPPORT, MOTIVATE, COME ALONGSIDE me and be a friend while I do it.  A peer support person maybe - someone who has battled mental health issues and is on the other side.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up about that one - it scares me in a way.  If I can achieve that goal.  IF I can make the external, my home, look the way I want, that means I can make the internal, my heart/brain etc, look the way I want too.

At the moment my life and mind etc are in turmoil and confusion and that is being expressed in the way my house looks and the way I treat it.  The hope is, if I can clean up the house, and learn to treat it with respect again that I will then be able to do that to myself as well.

If nothing else it will give me the confidence to ask my Dad to come and fix all the little bits and bigger bits around the place that need doing and that are actually preventing me from moving on.

I've discovered that because Dad hasn't followed through with some of the promised 'improvements' to my house since I moved in - 5 years ago - that I believe that I am NOT worth it and therefore am NOT worth anything.  And now I have let the place fall apart I'm too ashamed to ask him to come in. 

So positive - I'm well on my way to achieving a 28 day goal I have set.  Positive two - I'm on my way to receiving support to step forward in my goal to straighten up my house and therefore straighten up my life.  Yay me!

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